Yes! And it actually all happened in the opposite order. First, I was a sexual coach, then I wrote my first book and finally in 2015 after the birth of my daughter I became a mother.
What’s funny is that three years ago, I wasn’t any of those things. I had just moved to Paris before my 30th birthday to get out of yet another relationship with a guy who didn’t believe in marriage and didn’t want kids, and to escape a program where I was unhappily training to be a midwife after nearly ten years in alternative healthcare. I had become very aware over the previous year, from both my education and personal experiences, that gynecological care for women was just plain awful and I wanted to do something about it, but I didn’t know what yet. As that year continued, I hired a relationship coach, dated more men, found myself more unhappy and came to the realization that what everyone was saying about sex, love and relationships was based on a completely old-fashioned idea that dated back to men owning both the land and the women who bore their children. No wonder it wasn’t working for so many of us!
I was done with that model and decided to leap into the unknown, write my own rules, and date and have sex without looking for a man to complete my life. I was free to embrace who I was and get my needs met without the illusion that this new man would become my husband and I would finally live happily-ever-after. I wrote “The New Rules of Sex” and began talking with other women about their sexuality and discovered that there was so much ignorance, shame and confusion on the subject. No one was talking about sex, and in keeping it in the dark, a lot of women were suffering. The suppression of sexuality was affecting women in a very real way, and I became a sexual coach for women because I wanted to make a difference in women’s lives, freeing them from the old paradigm of sexuality and relationships and helping them discover who they truly were, what they needed, and the pleasure that was possible in their lives and bodies.
Writing “The New Rules of Sex” was not easy. I felt called not only to discuss issues like religion, virginity, polyamory and mental health, but I felt like I had to include my own stories in the mix. Writing them was more or less therapeutic, but releasing them to the world was another story. The day after the book came out I thought I would die. I wanted to go back in time and never release it, and even to this day when someone tells me they are reading my book, I shudder. Oh god. What will they think of me? How will they handle the erotica? The opening story? Everything I revealed about my depression or my sex life? Will they think I’m pathetic? Or disgusting? But I come back into my body when I remember that I was meant to write those things because they help set others free. It is only in revealing our deepest truths and imperfections that others can relate and their shame is released. And in revealing my journey, the reader goes on their own journey with sex to learn and unlearn, expand what they think sex is and open up to a new paradigm of power and pleasure.
After the book came out, I set sex aside, and immediately looked to what I wanted next: a baby.
But how does a woman have a baby outside the paradigm of one man and one woman yoked in marriage? Is it possible? How does it work? Is it bad for the baby? So that began the journey of “The New American Family.” I set out to explore if there were other women like me, other non-traditional families that were thriving, if there was a way to still be sexual and creative with a baby in tow, and how to achieve happiness through family in an age where family and reproduction were changing so rapidly.
And I found it! Happiness I mean. It’s in family. Which for me, meant having a baby with a co-parent and starting a family of my own.
And I’ll tell you all about it. I think it will blow your mind what I discovered. It certainly blew mine.