Is someone you love giving you blue balls?

7345760I recently found myself very upset by a man. I’m sure you can’t relate. . kidding.
I was devastated and angry and spontaneously erupting in tears because I felt neglected, and worse, I was critical of myself for not being more cool.

Then it suddenly dawned on me that this man had given me blue balls! Swollen, painful, hormone-rocking, irrationality-producing blue balls. The product of being brought to sexual and emotional arousal over and over again without any release. How could I be cool when I was so hot and bothered? I needed release (at least over the phone if nothing else) by connecting with his energy. And every time he pulled it back, it made the blue balls worse.5078051

Many of you probably haven’t heard the term blue balls since high school or college, when sexuality was cut short for various reasons ranging from not having the right environment, to trying to maintain some cultural standard of “virginity”. So what you might not know, is that both men and women suffer from blue balls (pain, heaviness, discomfort) otherwise known as vasocongestion.

When we become aroused, mentally-emotionally-sexually, blood floods the genitals through dilated vessels, and the surrounding muscles constrict to hold the blood in place. If we spend too much time in this aroused state without a release of tension, usually an orgasm, the deoxygenated blood pools in the genitals causing irritation.

8428574Men experience it as an ache in their testes and women feel it in the pelvis and lower abdomen. And with any physical manifestation, we always have an accompanying emotional one, too. In this case it can be anger (to move the blood) despair/sadness (water balances fire), shame (for having the desire that is not reciprocated or validated) and a number of other upsetting emotions. Feeling emotionally out of wack? Maybe you have blue balls?

So what can we do about blue balls?

We must achieve sexual or emotional release- or both! Talk to your partner about your blue balls. Let them know how their actions are affecting you and that you need more attention, presence, sexuality, etc.

Emotional release might be enough to relieve your blue balls, but you may still need to have an orgasm to decrease the vasocongestion. This can be done with or without your partner, and may involve crying if the pent up energy has reached a great enough height. This is okay.

Some other suggestions?
Lie down for a while, massage your genitals, take a hot bath, or a cold shower (wink), or start cleaning up around the house. Lifting heavy 987444objects increases pressure in the abdomen and pelvis and may help decrease blood flow to the genitals.

I found a lovely quote by David Beckham recently in response to the question: What’s the secret to a successful relationship?

“To love and respect one another and work hard. And you always need to give the other person attention and make sure you show them how much you love them.”

We human beings need attention, and lots of it, in order to be healthy and happy and fun. So talk to your partner about the ways they are giving you blue balls, and make sure you aren’t giving blue balls in return. You can both give each other all the attention, love and sexual pleasure you deserve.

to your vibrant sexual health,

Lauren Brim
Sexual and Spiritual coaching
Author of The New Rules of Sex

About the author

Lauren Brim, Ph.D is a doctor of human sexuality, sex coach and author of The New Rules of Sex, The New American Family, The New Rules of Sex Workbook, and Your Boyfriend's Hooker. She provides sexual health and coaching resources for women wanting to create the life or love life that they desire at Lauren has worked in the healing arts for over a decade and began to specialize in women's health after training to be a midwife. She is also the founder at She lives in Los Angeles with her daughter.

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